look no pants
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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