so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
