I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Someone shattered a urinal.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
