you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
