How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
