i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
