dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Is it because I queefed?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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