I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I need moral support for this bender
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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