I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
