I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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