he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
