All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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