I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
