I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
