Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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