I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
