Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
