I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
