I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
