I didn't shave. On purpose
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
