I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
