You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Randomize
