this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
