Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
