please come you make the beer taste better
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
