I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
