the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
