got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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