Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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