The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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