Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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