thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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