i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Randomize
