can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
only you would photoshop your dick
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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