My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
