Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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