So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
