life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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