Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
