I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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