I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
there is puke in my bra ... again
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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