It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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