If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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