Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
