you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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