ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
