Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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