And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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