If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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