there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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