i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
