yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
